Amy Vansant & Gordon

Who is in the photo at right?

That's me, Amy Vansant of humor blog Kid-Free Living (Twitter: @kidfreeliving), my husband Mike, and Gordon Labradoodle, 7-years-old.

After we got Gordon we loved him so much we actually started a dog store, DoodleSport. The idea was to sell all Doodle embroidered items, but then we figured, why not add 200 other breeds? We bought a huge embroidery machine and all the first items we did came out looking like Salvador Dali squirrels. We'd threaded it wrong. But that was 5 years ago - everything is very professional now!

What's brewing?

I switch brands, picking up different beans from wherever I roam, but I always grind my own as needed each morning. It tastes better that way, and as an added bonus it annoys the hell out of my husband.

What's the occasion for Coffee with a Canine?

Generally, while I'm drinking coffee in the morning, he's staring holes through the back of my head waiting for us to take him for a walk. We made the mistake of doing it two days in a row several years ago and he's been insufferable ever since.

His stare [photo left] is ... intense.

Any treats for you or Gordon on this occasion?

While I drink the coffee, no. But after the walk I must get him water from the water cooler in his special cappuccino mug, which we call his "special water" and which he thinks is a treat. Again, we did it twice in a row once, and now if we don't do it he gives us a look that would melt flowers.

How were you and Gordon united?

We adopted him when he was small enough to fit in a cappuccino mug. Mike, my husband, and I literally just woke up and said, hey, let's get a Labradoodle, got in the car and did so. We don't lead the most structured life.

How did Gordon get his name? Any aliases?

Mike had a cat named Flash as a kid and always wanted a dog named Gordon. Gordon, alias "Monkey," "fluffernutter," "chimichanga," "Mr. Pumpernickle," and about 1000 other nonsense words/noises we make every time we see him.

Cat, postman, squirrel...?

Gordon is cat blind. He'll see a feral cat outside our window well enough, but if we let him out, he'll run up to it and then stop, turn his head, and start to meander away from it as if he doesn't know it's there. In short, he's terrified of cats but refuses to admit it.

Ball, squeaky-toy, stick...?

He's most obsessed with fetching the newspaper each morning [photo right], because that gets him a treat. But he takes forever to do it. Beyond that, he loves to rip apart inflated packaging, so we have to order something from Amazon every week or so.

Does Gordon have a favorite place to go for outings?

We walk in the woods, which he loves best, because he can run off the leash and the smells are amazing.

The chances of finding a dead things and deer poop are, like, 75% better in the woods than in the neighborhood.

Who is Gordon's best pet-pal?

He's attracted to larger women. He had a Rhodesian Ridgeback girlfriend, but she moved away.

Now he most loves Esmeralda, my friend's Pyrenees. She's enormous.

If Gordon could change one thing about you, what would it be?

I'd constantly be running around the house throwing treats around like a water sprinkler. I'd probably stop taking up any of the bed, too. Oh, and the hand that wasn't throwing treats would be constantly scratching him.

He's pretty self-centered, now that I think about it.

If Gordon could answer only one question in English, what would you ask him?

I'd probably ask him to tell me any problems he has. As he gets older, I hate not knowing if he is sore anywhere that I don't know about. It isn't a very fun answer, but it's what I worry about.

Plus, I think the answer to just about ever other question would be "treat" or "walk."

If Hollywood made a movie about your life in which Gordon could speak, who should voice him?

My husband or myself. I can't imagine him sounding any other way than how we make him sound. And he talks constantly. Curses quite a bit, as well.

Check out the DoodleSport website, and visit the Kid-Free Living humor blog, Facebook page, and Twitter perch.

--Marshal Zeringue